“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
This line from Airplane.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch