you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
No Google it does not
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Steam Forums
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.