Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?