The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You Might Also Like
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.