my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
You Might Also Like
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven鈥檛 seen This One Shall Pass?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let鈥檚 get you home
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you鈥檙e out of sugar water
I鈥檝e had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn鈥檛 have amnesia. She owes you money.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.