If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours