Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
saving face 👀
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Tell me you get it…🤣