I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
You Might Also Like
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?