*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
bugs when you lift up a rock
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
can’t catch a break
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops