I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher