If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.