no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Worst Native American name ever.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal