In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.