Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.