[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You deplete me
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
2022 be like
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better