rapatouille
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Please do it!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK