If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
✌🏽
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭