Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!