1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
oh my gosh!!
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised