[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
wait.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit