[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.