Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.