I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.