Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.