Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”