You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries