I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.