“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Heroic Misunderstanding
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.