“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
A dad and his duck
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!