cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.