God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Never be a pizza!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentineâs day cards as âto whom it may concernâ
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Womanâs dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Happy Halloween đ
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Playing pirates with my kids
âI bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for moreâ
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
A public stoning, but itâs just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . đđ¤Ł
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believableđ
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that theyâll ânever get away with thisâ and they didnât get it.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Explaining to the plumber that itâs a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please donât tell the kids about this spot.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: If you bit your brother again, youâre grounded.
Son: But Iâm already grounded. WEâRE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!