I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
work smarter, not harder
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere