Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
You Might Also Like
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
🤣🤣🤣
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep