Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
how it started vs how it ended
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.