I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*