marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
no their not
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*