I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers