ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.