*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
just having fun
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
(more comics:
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.