I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.