[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.