*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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Tier 3 meme
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I drew y’all a little something.