If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My neck my back my allergy attack
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two