I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?