*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate