An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.