The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Hotels are back
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.