Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
is this a warning or an offer?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert