“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.