I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.